At this time of year more than any other, with festivities, family gatherings, gift-giving and holidays, it’s very easy to slip into the comparison trap.
Pictures get thrust upon us on social media of sparkly-looking people wearing sparkly party clothes, eating, drinking, laughing, dancing and partying in sparkly bars and restaurants.
Holiday snapshots are shared – families re-connecting with smiles and hugs. Kids enjoying holiday activities with grins from ear to ear – even some of siblings getting along!
It’s easy to be lulled into the trap of thinking everyone else’s life is juuuust peachy! We see these split-second snapshots of a moment in their lives and our brains automatically jump to the conclusion that that is what their everyday lives look like. It’s not our fault – our brain can only go on what our eyes are telling it.
Meanwhile, if you’re struggling a bit this Christmastime for whatever reason – maybe, like me, your family/whanau has one or more treasured members missing this year. Maybe it’s a real financial struggle this year due to Covid consequences and you know you can’t give your kids the Christmas gifts they would usually have had and a holiday away is off the cards for sure. You might have moved to a new area and have yet to make real friends so you’re feeling a tad lonely when everyone else has established friendships and exciting plans.
Despair and hopelessness can quickly sneak in as we measure up our here & now with social media snapshots.
You’ll notice I’m using the word snapshot quite a lot in this article – for good reason. What we’re treated or subjected to on other people’s social media posts is exactly that – a snapshot. One teeny tiny moment. A fleeting single second. A flash. A highlights reel. And that’s all they allow us to see. We have no way of knowing what happened in the hours, minutes or even seconds immediately after or before the snapshot was taken.
Of course we don’t want to wish that their joy disappeared and everything turned to custard just so we don’t feel inadequate! We really don’t need to feel that insecure and hopeless. We just need to remind ourselves that no-one really shares with the world (even more so to people they know) that life’s dealing them a crap hand at the moment or that they’ve f**ked up royally. Very seldom will you be allowed to see a photo of your sister’s kids fighting or storming through the house slamming every door they stomp through. I challenge you to find a post showing your old school friend with tear-streaked cheeks, in a taxi leaving the work’s party early.
Social media can be a fabulous way to keep special people included and up to date with busy family life, but 99% of the time, people seek support for hard times privately on the socials – either through DMs or in specific, trusted private FB groups, not publicly. So let’s constantly remind ourselves this festive season that what we’re seeing is most likely a carefully chosen, composed (and often filtered) snapshot. Or a moment so rare that they’re compelled to post it to give the impression of that being the usual state of play (because they wish it was!)
If you do find yourself feeling crap because of a trigger social post, get off your device altogether as soon as you feel the toxic emotions rising. Don’t give those negative feels the power – you’re in control of your device, not the other way round.
“Every minute you spend wishing you had someone else’s life, is a minute spent wasting yours.”
– Unknown
Go and do something that makes you feel good. Whether that’s a walk, a coffee, a chat with a friend, crafting, a nap – whatever you think will bring you some joy – go and do it there & then until your head and heart feel more positive again.
“Action is the antidote to despair”
– Joan Baez
“We won’t be distracted by comparison if we are captivated with purpose.” – Bob Gaff
Put it into perspective – remind yourself that it’s a fleeting glimpse into one moment of their life and possibly staged and/or filtered.
Instead of feeling negative emotions – despair, jealousy, inadequacy – against the poster, wish them well in your head and your heart. Really be genuinely happy for them. This will turn around the negativity in you and give you a positive vibe. But then remind yourself that you too can get that joy. That you are good enough and you can achieve whatever you want to do. But you’ll get there by following your own path, which may well look very different from theirs.
“Stay in your lane. Comparison kills creativity and joy.”
– Brene Brown
And on the other side of the coin, if you post scenes and stories on social media to make yourself feel superior to others, to try and create the illusion of a perfect life, to make others feel inferior, it’s time for you to do a bit of work too around why you’re feeling the need to do that. That snapshot of composed confidence or forced happiness really isn’t going to make a blind bit of difference to your insecurities once it’s no longer visible (a few hours at best).
We all want to share our wins – it’s human nature and celebrating our achievements is great and necessary to spur us on to the next thing on our progress path. Sometimes people post their sparkly moments to seek encouragement or approval (knowingly or not). Maybe they’re coming out of a rough time and they’re proud of what they’ve come through and now achieved. Theres nothing wrong with that and hopefully friends and supporters will react appropriately to give the boost that will help them.
But when the motivation for a post is negative, making someone else feel inferior is definitely not going to help – especially if it’s a composed, filtered or even fictional picture. Maybe those people too have fallen into the comparison trap and that’s their response mechanism.
“Comparisons make you feel superior or inferior. Neither serve a useful purpose.”
– Unknown
Wishing you all many genuinely happy and fulfilling festive moments xx
Photo by Sarah Kilian on Unsplash