Five years ago, to me, boundaries meant fences, hedges, painted lines or some other way of depicting where a property ended or how far you could go before being ‘out’ (in a sports game).
Now, particularly relating to self-care, the word has come to represent an invisible fence or forcefield around us – usually for protection of our mental space.
Our boundaries are set by us and they’re an intangible line that other people aren’t allowed to cross.
In the same way as a weak physical boundary, like an old rotting fence, can easily be breached, often we let our personal boundaries become wobbly so others are able to push them and invade our space. Why?
Well, as with a lot of things that go on in our heads, it all stems from a very long time ago. Humans were made to live together. We hunted and took shelter together to stay safe – safety in numbers right? It was for survival. Left on our own we were very vulnerable, in danger even.
And then there’s the social side of us human beings. You don’t need me to tell you how much that people the world over have missed connecting with family and friends during the last two years – and it’s been a huge sacrifice and taken a devastating toll on many people’s mental health. We were created to be with other people.
So from the get go, setting strict boundaries about what we will and won’t allow others to do to us was always going to be tricky for us to master. Our hard-wiring is set to make us want people to like us, to want to be with us, to keep that safety in numbers feeling (or a sense of belonging). And so we tend to put others’ wants before our own – despite the sometimes high costs. We ‘people-please’.
Now, there’s nothing wrong at all with considering others’ wants and needs. I’d be the first one to say that’s very important. But not if it consistently impacts our needs or affects our well-being.
Nowadays there are many things that are, thankfully, deemed socially unacceptable or just plain wrong, so we have no problems letting someone know if they’re about to over-step the mark with one of those obvious things. But there many more things that we tolerate when really they make us uncomfortable or cause us inconvenience, pain, sacrifice and/or damage our self-esteem.
That’s where the problems lie. That’s when we start to feel negative emotions like, resentment, feeling trapped, feeling inferior. That’s when we let other people impact our life, stop us going where we want to go and doing what we want to do, stop us achieving what we’re capable of, literally rob us of time and experiences. We can even lose our sense of identity if we don’t do something about it.
3 examples of healthy boundaries
Boundaries differ depending on the relationship. For example a boundary we set with a colleague will be different from a boundary we put in place with a friend or partner.
- You might determine that you’re not going to allow a colleague to talk down to you or give you all the crappy jobs just because they’ve been working there longer than you. Your boundary would not let that behaviour carry on. You would be strong and use the knowledge that you’re equals in the workplace and you’re just as capable of doing the same jobs as they are. You would need to take some action to uphold that boundary – have a calm, professional chat with the colleague and take some control back – explain that you’ve actually started working on another task and you plan to finish x, y & z by the end of the week. Or it might be more appropriate to involve your manager to allocate jobs more evenly.
- At home you should be able to expect to share the responsibilities and chores fairly and age-appropriately with other family members. Setting a boundary not to give up your planned time for you to finish off someone else’s jobs is important. It sets expectations that everyone will get used to if you’re consistent.
- You may want to set a boundary with a partner that you don’t see them two nights a week – time that instead you spend with friends, family or by yourself.
Of course, an essential boundary we should all set is making sure we implement regular self-care and don’t let anyone get in the way of that!
How do I set boundaries without feeling/seeming selfish or rude?
Firstly, you need to be resolute about why you need to set that boundary.
- Are you giving up your time to do things for others which means you’re missing out on doing things you’d really like to do?
- Are you starting to feel your self-esteem slipping – giving the power to someone else?
- Are you working towards a particular goal that’s really important to you?
Once you know your reason for needing the boundary you can keep that clearly in your mind.
Keep it about you
Instead of saying to your colleague “You’re giving me all the rubbish jobs to do and keeping the best ones for yourself”, try “I feel like my work balance isn’t great right now and I need to do x,y & z for my professional development/well-being”.
At home maybe you could say, “OK I’ve done everything I’m down to do today, I’m going for a walk now”.
With your partner, “It’s really important to me that I keep a good relationship with my family/friends”. Or “Self-care/time alone is a really important part of my life”.
It’s likely that you’ll feel some amount of fear, guilt, selfishness when you first start consciously setting boundaries, because remember our hard-wiring to need to be people-pleasers for survival? The fear is a response to perceived danger. That’s why it’s essential to keep sight of your ‘why’ as mentioned above.
Keeping your eye on the why will keep your focus on the goal and the reason why you need the boundary.
Be realistic and fair – if your feeling of guilt or selfishness is over-riding, just stop and think – is your boundary too rigid?
For example, if your partner scores two tickets for your fave band on a night you usually see your parents, maybe changing the day of the visit that week could work instead of turning down your partner’s kind gesture.
One of the hardest words for some people to say is ‘no’. Saying no is often key to upholding a strong boundary. If you struggle with that tiny (huge) word I created a guide just for you! It gives you 5 practical top tips how to say no without feeling crappy or losing friends. As a Self Care Gold website visitor, you can grab it for free – SEND ME ‘THE ART OF SAYING NO’ GUIDE
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